Have You Ever Thought About Being A Surrogate?

If you’ve visited my blog before, you know that family is everything to me. Becoming a mom was always my dream. I feel incredibly lucky to have gotten my happily ever after. This is what led me to surrogacy. My heart breaks for anyone struggling on their path to parenthood. Had I struggled on my path, I would have hoped that someone would have been willing and able to help me.

I’ve been a surrogate twice and my family and I now share a special connection with two incredible families. Aside from the days that my own children were born, delivering these beautiful surrogate babies into their parents’ arms were the best days of my life. And I know when I look back on my life, surrogacy is one of the things that I will be most proud of.

In the past year, I’ve been approached by a dozen different families, hopeful that perhaps I could help them on their path to parenthood. Unfortunately, there aren’t enough surrogates for all of the families needing help in order to reach their dream of family.

Does your heart also ache for those that want to have children but for whatever reason cannot? Do you know someone who’s struggled with infertility and you wish that you could help? Have you ever considered being a surrogate? Obviously, surrogacy isn’t right for everyone, but I believe that there are a whole lot of misconceptions surrounding surrogacy that deter some women from even considering.  Many picture surrogates as poor, desperate, destitute women forced to rent out their wombs.  Or they imagine uber wealthy couples paying someone else to carry their genetically perfected baby so that they don’t have to.  This couldn’t be farther from the truth.  Most surrogates are like me – educated, middle and upper class women who love being moms so much, they want to help someone else experience it.  Intended parents choosing surrogacy have often gone to incredible lengths and many have endured so much heartache on their path to parenthood.  They’re willing to move mountains, all to have a family and to love their child, perfect or not.

The number one question I get asked about surrogacy is how could I possibly carry a baby for 9 months and then just give him up? Wasn’t I totally heartbroken? My response is simple, I didn’t give the babies up, I gave them back. These babies were never mine, they were always their parents’. I was simply babysitting. Extreme babysitting.

I am not genetically related to the babies, their parents created embryos (with the help of egg donors) and their bun got into my oven via IVF. I never once felt like they were mine because they’re not. I didn’t have that overwhelming motherly love for them that I had during my own pregnancies. And when it was time to deliver the babies into their parents’ arms, I felt nothing but happiness. There was no sadness. No heartache. No feelings of loss. I know all about that crazy overwhelming explosion of love you feel when your child is born. I had that amazing feeling when each of my four children were born.  And I didn’t feel that during either of my surrogate births. But I watched as their parents did. I watched as they fell in love. I watched as their hearts exploded with love. I watched as they were overcome with emotion as their long sought after dream finally came true. Getting to be a part of that, playing a role in their happily ever after, was incredible. I know it is something I will forever be proud of.

If you’re interested in learning about other common misconceptions about surrogacy, read my post here.

And if you’re wondering what it was like giving birth to another family’s baby, you can read about my first surrogate delivery, sweet baby Milo, here. And the arrival of my second surro babe, Mr. Morrissey.

Curious what my own kids think about all this? Check out this post.

Will I do another surrogate journey? Who knows what the future holds! Each time I have been approached by a family, so hopeful that maybe they’re about to be a little bit closer to holding their sweet baby in their arms, hopeful that maybe they have found someone to help them on their journey, my heart hurts for them. I wish that I could help everyone. And if either of my surro families wanted to grow their family someday, I would LOVE to help them again! Whether or not there is a third journey in my future, I will forever be proud and grateful for the two journeys my family and I got to be a part of and the two beautiful baby boys I had the honor of carrying!

If you’re considering being a surrogate or perhaps you know someone who is thinking about it, please share this information with them.  Maybe you or they will decide to research it some more.  Maybe two more families will travel this path together. Maybe you’ll be the missing piece that mends another family’s broken heart.

“The greatest good is what we do for one another.” -Mother Teresa

 

 

 

Surrogacy 101

There are so many questions and misconceptions out there surrounding surrogacy. Here are my responses to a few of the questions I get asked most often.

Is it your baby?

No, it’s not my baby. For both of my journeys, the embryo was created by the parents with the help of an egg donor and their bun got into my oven via IVF. So, no, I’m not related to the baby, they don’t share my genetics at all.

How can you do it? Aren’t you so sad when it’s time to give the baby back?

People often can’t fathom how I could not be heartbroken when it’s time to give the baby back. Don’t I get attached? I absolutely care immensely about the baby, but not in the way that I felt when pregnant with my own children. He’s not my baby, I’m simply babysitting him until he’s ready to go home to his parents. I feel the same way towards him as to the kids I nannied when I was in college, or how I feel about my nieces and nephews. I’m not consumed with an overwhelming maternal love for him the way I was with my own children. I care about him, of course, and I want to protect him. But I won’t be sad for even a split second when it’s time to deliver him back into his daddies’ arms. I can’t wait for that moment! Seeing Ben and Ryan become fathers, playing such a big role in the creation of their family is something I will always be so incredibly proud of. Happy and proud is how I’ll be feeling at his birth! Just as I was at Milo’s birth. You can read about how I felt after Milo’s birth here.

How long do you get to keep the baby before you give him back?

I frequently get asked this question and it always surprises me. He’s not my baby, why would I keep him from his parents? Ben and Ryan will be in the room for the birth and I will deliver their little peanut straight into their arms. They will cut the cord and start snuggling their little man right away. ❤️ We’ll all be together for a while in my room at the hospital and then they’ll move over to their room with the baby until we’re discharged, with frequent visits back and forth between our rooms as we all marvel over their perfect little babe.

Will you stay in touch?

Yes!!! We’ve developed an incredibly close relationship that isn’t going to go away when the baby is born. Ben and Ryan have become 2 of our dearest friends. We will absolutely stay in touch (texting, Skype, and social media make it easy) and we plan to visit one another! We are also still in touch with Milo’s family and we hope to take our kids to Brazil someday for a visit. The connection that forms through surrogacy is so incredibly special, it creates a life long friendship with people you would never have met had it not been for this journey.

Is it confusing for your kids? What do they think about it?

When we first started to pursue surrogacy we read a children’s book to our kids about a kangaroo mama that helped her friend by carrying her friend’s baby kangaroo in her pouch until the baby was big enough to go home. Then we told the kids that we were going to help another family like that. Kids don’t over complicate things. They got it right away. It’s not confusing to them at all. They understand that it’s not our baby and that some families need a little help and so we’re helping them. They think it’s fantastic! And they love the relationships we’ve formed with both Aussie Baby’s family and Milo’s family. Read more about what my kids think about surrogacy here.

Do you get paid a ton of money?

Most surrogates are compensated for babysitting the baby for 9 months, just as you would be compensated for babysitting a child or baby that’s already born. The average surrogacy compensation is around $25,000 and is spread out over the length of the journey (most journeys take at least 12 months to complete, many journeys, like sweet Milo’s, take several years). While this is a significant amount of money, and my family and I are, of course, grateful for it and appreciate it, I can think of many other ways to earn this kind of money that don’t include nightly hormone injections, heartburn, constipation, hemorrhoids, nausea, weight gain, stretch marks, childbirth, vaginal tears, a possible cesarean section, postpartum bleeding, potential hemorrhaging, engorgement, mood swings, etc!

So, while there typically is compensation in surrogacy, surrogates aren’t motivated by it. We aren’t desperate, poverty stricken, destitute women forced to rent our wombs. Most surrogates are like me – educated, compassionate, middle and high income women who love being mothers so much we want to help others fulfill their dream of parenthood. We are women who would have wanted someone to help us should we have needed help. Our passion for family combined with the fact that we had uncomplicated, enjoyable pregnancies is what led us to surrogacy, not the compensation.

Will you do it again?

Who knows what the future holds!  I just turned 40 and this is my 6th pregnancy.  But, my heart still breaks for anyone that is struggling to achieve their dream of a family. I wish that I could help everyone! And if Ben and Ryan want to grow their family someday I would LOVE to help them again! Whether or not there is a third journey in my future, I will forever be proud and grateful for the two journeys I got to be a part of and the two beautiful baby boys I had the honor of carrying! I know when I look back on my life, surrogacy is one of the things I will be most proud of. ❤️

What do my kids think about all this?

Kids don’t over complicate things like adults often do. They get it – they get that some families need a little help, so we should try to help. And they are just as excited as I am to be able to!

One of the totally awesome things about surrogacy is the connection and friendship that forms, not just for me, but for my whole family. My kids adore Ben and Ryan! They love learning about Australia and laughing over all the things that Australians say differently from Americans. 😂

I love that my kids are seeing that families come in all shapes and sizes. And I love that our surrogacy journeys are showing them that there’s a whole big world out there – they get to hear different accents and learn about different parts of the world through this experience. And we now have life-long friends around the globe because of surrogacy.

Most importantly, I love that my kids are seeing what empathy and kindness look like. My kids know that surrogacy is about love. The love the intended parents have for their unborn child – they love them so much they’re willing to move mountains to bring their child safely home. The love that I have for being a mother – my heart breaks for anyone that wants to be a parent but can’t. My kids know that I would have been devastated if I wouldn’t have been able to have kids and I would have hoped that someone would have been willing and able to help me. They know that I love being a mom so much, I want to help others become parents. They know that they are my happily ever after. And that surrogacy is about helping another family get their happily ever after.

It’s a pretty incredible thing, for all of us, being a part of someone else’s dream come true. ❤️